The version of calm that I don’t want to entertain.
The version where you agree with everything. I refuse to do it. You can have all of the calming things in place. You can go for family walks, incense, meditation and a nice cosy home, but if you’re spending the rest of your day saying yes, people-pleasing, and feeling resentful, then it’s not a calm motherhood at all.
I don’t think calm has to mean you’re quiet and you say yes to everything. It isn’t healthy to go against what you want for the sake of disappointing someone. A huge chunk of my son’s life I have spent healing things in myself that I don’t want to pass on to him. My aim is to act on the outside how I feel on the inside, and in all honesty, I haven’t always been good at this. People pleasing can sometimes look calm on the outside but feel really chaotic on the inside, and I don’t want that anymore.
As mums, I think we are sometimes congratulated for being easy-going, doing the most for everyone and putting ourselves last but I’m not sure that serves us in a healthy, balanced way. I say this all the time now but by putting your needs first doesnt mean you’re selfish it just simply means you matter too.
Keeping the peace at your own expense
There is a big difference between peace and avoidance. If we avoid difficult conversations, it can feel like we’re protecting our peace. That’s not the case; it just makes us uncomfortable elsewhere. We complain about it to our partners and feel resentful. It can even come up in our bodies and create inflammation. Trust me, I know. If you aren’t being real about your feelings and you’re avoiding important discussions, your body will create a way for it to come out.
For me it was severe eczema. My entire body felt and looked like it was covered in burns. I couldn’t wear short sleeves in the summer because it was too painful and too embarrassing. I completely lost myself all because of repressed feelings. To be the easy-going person who didn’t want to cause a fuss or tell people my true feelings. It’s so important to talk about your feelings, to set boundaries and take accountability because sometimes you might be the problem too.
Kind vs people pleasing
Being kind is when you do something because you genuinely want to. People-pleasing is more about doing things for others because you’re scared of how you will come across. It’s a really important thing to remember. You can say yes to things or have people visit when, deep down, you just don’t want to. You might let a family member feed your toddler a treat but then spend the next hour feeling irritated by it because it’s not what you want.
This is exactly how resentment builds: you might become overwhelmed or snappy at people who don’t really understand why you’re snapping, because they haven’t done anything wrong. They haven’t even crossed a boundary because the truth is, you haven’t communicated your needs, so they don’t even know you’re feeling resentful because you didn’t actually communicate any boundaries. Agreeing to something because you don’t want to disappoint someone ends up eating away at you, and I truly believe it.
Becoming a mum for the first time
When you become a mother, there is suddenly an abundance of opinions, unsolicited advice and comparison. How you feed your baby, how you sleep, whether you should have visitors, what you should and shouldn’t be doing. Everyone has something to say, and sometimes, especially in those early days, it is easier to nod and smile and agree with everything than it is to actually say what you think.
When I was in the very early stages of motherhood, I would take on any advice because I assumed everyone else knew what they were doing. Especially people with multiple children. The ones who sounded confident but that doesn’t mean they are right. Mothers intuition is a thing but you have to train it like a muscle and listening to everybody else or ignoring those gut feelings is not the way to do it and even the most seasoned mothers won’t know how to parent YOUR baby. Only you do. That can sound like a huge responsibility if you’re an anxious mum like me.
How to find you intuition
Get quiet with your thoughts. Intuition is so hard to listen to when you’re anxious, rushing or frantic. Take a second because intuition is quiet, something feels off but anxiety is loud. That’s the only way to describe it. Anxiety is repetitive, frantic and full of ‘what ifs’ and worst-case scenarios. ‘What if this happens?’ ‘What if it’s life-threatening? ‘ What if what if what if.
I really struggled with this at first. I didn’t know what fear was or what intuition was. We spent the first month of his life in the NICU. My mother’s instinct hadn’t had a chance to develop. The doctors who were looking after him have dealt with hundreds of prem babies. They have had hours of experience. I had no idea what to do.
There weren’t any feeding cues; he was fed through a tube. I remember sometimes he would be too full to take it all and be sick because how could he tell the doctors that he was full? I thought coming home would make it even harder but I promise you it gets easier. The more you repsond, the more you understand their cues. When you see them becoming overwhelmed, learn their signs of stress. Over time, your brain starts recognising those patterns automatically. Then you start to feel more confident and you can feel confident to speak up.
Mindfulness
This is where mindfulness, meditation and all of that has really helped me. It’s not lighting incence and meditating for 10 minutes. It’s actually noticing yourself and your feelings. That gut feeling when somebody want you to do something but you don’t want to so you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach. You have to catch that feeling early and figure out if you’re saying yes because you want to and you want to make them happy or yes because you want them to be happy with you. Mums have such a good sense for what evertone else needs but can often be so disconnected from themselves. We should be able to say no without being rattled with guilt and listen to our bodies when we are hitting our limits.
I now understand protecting my peace isn’t selfish. I think becoming a mother is a pretty good reason to set better boundaries and trust my intuition.
Are you a people-pleaser, or are you good at communicating your thoughts? If you’re also figuring out what a calm motherhood looks like. I share daily reflections, real life and recipes over on Instagram @deliciouslycosy
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