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The unexpected thing that’s quietly draining your childs self esteem
Could it be us parents who are taking our child’s self-esteem? I say this with love, but your instinct to protect your little one could be the same thing that potentially backfires.
As first-time mums, especially those of us who navigated the aftermath of a NICU stay or premature birth. We become hypervigilant when it comes to our little ones; we want to smooth over every bump in the road; we want to take away any struggle or friction that we possibly can to try and HELP our child’s self-esteem. It’s a hard truth that needs addressing.
Doing too much for your child builds YOUR self-esteem, while actually taking theirs away. We build our self-esteem to its fullest capacity by doing everything for them, thinking, the more I do for my child, the better parent I am. ‘There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my child’. The intention is completely innocent, but the long-term effects can create low self-confidence and self-worth, and I really don’t want that for my little one.
If you’re currently burning yourself out and doing everything for your child, being the hypervigilant parent. It’s time to take a breath and change your mindset. Here’s why I think stepping back can sometimes be the best thing you can do for your child’s confidence.
The subconcious message of self esteem
When your baby is trying to reach for a toy or navigate a minor frustration, what do you do? If you swoop in to fix it instantly, you think you are helping and showing care, right? But in reality, your child’s brain registers it so differently. Every time we step in too quickly, we send the subconscious message of ‘you can’t do this on your own. you need me to fix it’
Self-esteem isn’t something you can pass on. It’s a skill you have to earn. Confidence built through competence more than praise. They need mistakes and mini-failed attempts so they can learn to conquer them.
Why calm parenting requires emotional self awareness
Stepping back can feel incredibly uncomfortable. When I watch my little one struggle, my own anxiety spikes. It takes me straight back to the NICU, watching him struggle to breathe or feed. In complete honesty, I want to intervene to soothe MY nervous system, not his. This is where self-awareness becomes vital. A strong mindset for me means recognising triggers, realising that a bit of toddler frustration isn’t a crisis; it’s the perfect time to learn. I believe that when you are in one household, you practically share the same nervous system. When you create a calm home environment and regulate YOUR response, you can then create a grounded space where your child feels safe enough to try, fail, and try again.
How to really step back and encourage true self esteem
Regulate your own nervous system – Children mimic what they see around them. When you model self-awareness and calmness during challenges they will see that it’s not anything to feel bad or scared about.
Allow them to explore freely – whether that’s through nature or messy food. Overprotecting them or even the mess can limit their confidence to explore.
Praise the effort, not the outcome – This one is my favourite. Instead of ‘you’re so smart’ try ‘I loved how hard you tried’ this will help build a strong mindset. There’s a phrase used in a Bluey episode: ‘It’s a good job you’re tough ‘, and I think this is a really lovely way of acknowledging how hard it is, but giving them the confidence to know they can do it.
The 10-second rule: Facing frustration teaches them they can handle hard things.Sometimes stepping in can cause more frustration anyway.
Stepping back isn’t being a passive parent. It’s having the mindset and self awareness to manage your own anxiety so your child can grow as a little human. It isn’t easy but creating a calm space starts with us. You got this mama!
Which of these steps feels the hardest? I’d love an open honest chat in my DM’s.
If you enjoyed this post, you might enjoy my post about boundaries and intuition. I also want to add if you are a mum to a preemie baby. I cannot recommend Miracle Moon enough. It’s a safe space for nicu parents to connect, get advice from professionals and to feel less alone. It is so brilliant.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. If you’re also figuring out what calmer motherhood is. I share daily reflections, real life and recipes over on Instagram @deliciouslycosy
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